I have always felt like a diary was a silly thing to have or use for most of my life, when the girls were here I always had somebody to talk to but I just have so much time now. Clayrion and the girls are gone and I left the Des Malyce's to their own home finally. I was a burden, they were very nicre hosts for so long, and are lifetime friends to this family however I felt like a nuisance. They have open doors if I ever need help however, a very good thing to know.
Where to begin however...so much bottled up since Anette left not too long ago...maybe twenty days. Seeing her walking away, knowing full well she could never come back tore me apart, I wanted to grab her and not let go. She had it in her mind that she needed to do this, and as selfish as it may be so do I...I just miss my family. Pierre, Adelle and Anette are all away from me in one way or another.
My husband struck down protecting the lives of his wife and daughters by people who wanted the fame of killing his name. He would have been happier with no other death than protecting his family but I still miss him every day when I wake up and notice I am in a bed made for one.
My oldest daughter left at sixteen to undergo training to become a knight...she was certainly more like her father than she was I. Even at sixteen she was serious about it, not afraid and she praised the name of our family and all of the good it has been a part of. Sixteen years old and she happily left for training she knew was going to be excruciating on her body and mind...all because she wanted to make her father proud. When Adelle left, her and I were not on the best of terms...she hated me for wanting her to wait until a bit older. I hope she has gotten over that as she gained maturity. Wow, what was that now? Over ten years since I have seen my daughter, I miss her so much... it tears me up inside not knowing if she is safe...alive or even still mad at me. Who am I kidding with how big she is, how strong she is, I am fairly certain she is alive, that is one thing I suppose.
Lastly Anette...dear Anette, she surprised me. My clumsy, meek, easily frightened little girl went through quite a transformation into a beautiful, tenacious and fearless woman. Clayrion was like a big brother to her, she almost idolized the boy. We have different religious beliefs than his family, but while he was being trained, Anette always wanted to learn what he was doing. When Clayrion told her everything in perfect detail she didn't get much of it...I doubt any of it, but she loved being there...I doubt he minded the company either. Oh Anette, I hope nobody tells you about your family too soon... I couldn't bear it if my little Anette found out about all of this...lesser so, I couldn't handle if people hear her name try to kill her then and there... I know I should have told her, I should have warned her or gave her the option to leave for training like Adelle did. What would that accomplish though?
She trained and trained and got stronger and stronger after Clayrion left, she was broken, she was alone. Anette got so sad, she did nothing but lay in her now one person room, crying non stop for weeks after he left. She wouldn't eat, couldn't talk, just sleep and cry. She was very sick until she somewhere decided she wanted to train up...be strong like her big sister. I really don't know how either. One day she came out of her room asked me if I could maybe sew or buy her a light tunic. She didn't want to wear her dresses or skirts anymore, for a while anyway. Around the time she gained some muscle and strength she started to grow from a girl to a woman before my eyes. She wanted to be seen as strong but couldn't help but acting on her emotions, taking care of her looks and the like. Likely due to Adelle and the way she acted when she was about to begin training, she cut her hair short...very short and hated being called anything feminine. As far as she was concerned you referred to her as Adelle or Decille, except for Anette who got a pass with 'Delle. Adelle always said she wanted to be seen as a warrior, not a woman before she left...I guess seeing her like that made some sort of impact on Anette. Though Anette would never harm her hair, she loves it, and she faintly remembers how Pierre told her it was the most beautiful shade of red.
Look at me, all of these memories pouring back into my head all of a sudden, I knew this diary was a bad idea...though some make me smile. Oh well, I tried it and I feel at least a little better.
Isabelle Decille
